OLYMPIC CURLING TEAM TEST POSITIVE FOR PEDS, STRIPPED OF MEDALS

Sweden’s women’s curling team were stripped of their Olympic medals  following an announcement that they were using performance-enhancing drugs.

International Olympic Committee (IOC) President, Thomas Bach said, “We definitely know that someone on the team used PEDs, but we haven’t figure out who, because when we told our our translator for the IOC to ask each athlete to pee in a cup, she mistranslated and told them all to pee in a bowl. So they went to the restroom and peed in a bowl…together…as a team. I guess it’s kind of inspirational that they do everything together. Maybe ESPN will do a 30 for 30 about it.”

Bach continued, “They brought back the large…warm bowl, which was about six liters of fluid. My god, I’ll never understand how that much urine fit into four small women. But we threw it in the tester and they tested positive for steroids and an obscene amount of Flintstones gummy vitamins, which I guess is a big thing among athletes now. Also, one or all of them is pregnant….which is probably good news because in Russia if you commit a small crime like jay-walking, the Russian police will beat you to death, but if you are pregnant they have a strict “pummel your face only policy” which is considered a great luxury in this country.”

This is the second time that an Olympic women’s curling team has cheated to gain an unfair advantage. In 1974, Norway’s women’s team used illegal curling brooms which had extra bristles at the tip. Reporters claim that they would have gotten away with it, but the curling judge noticed that the ice was “just a bit too clean.”