“Why on earth would anyone think that the Seahawks won because they are ‘the more Christian’ team?” said God in the post-game interview following the NFC Championship game, “Don’t they know that Seattle’s defensive players Tony McDaniel and Kevin Williams both have been arrested for domestic violence? They beat their girlfriends for crying out loud. Do you really think I will reward that with a trip to the Super Bowl?”
“And over half of the players on the Packers are Christians. Wide-receiver Jordy Nelson and punter Tim Masthay give to charity all of the time! Why are you only praising me for the winning team when there are clearly good Christian players on the losing team?”
“You humans like the Internet right? Google this name, I’ll spell it out for you, ‘J-E-S-U-S’. He has tons of verses about not beating other people and ZERO verses on football. He’s a great historical figure and very peaceful. You will love him. Maybe you can read about him in…I don’t know…the best selling book of all-time. It’s called the Bible. Seriously people, turn off ESPN and FOX News and read something new okay? Jesus Christ!” said God.
God then rolled his eyes and said, “You people are asinine. I’m creating another universe elsewhere and none of you can be a part of it. Everyone will get a hover-board and free pizza,” said God, “And good luck with that whole global-warming thing. I have a list of people getting into heaven, and no one on congress is on it. So you might want to vote on merit instead of people claiming that they are ‘on God’s side’ when they really aren’t.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell then fined God 10 thousand dollars for wearing Beats by Dre headphones during the interview.