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Earlier this morning Miami Heat power forward Chris Andersen opened up to the media about his team’s loss in the NBA finals.

“Do my tattoos, beard and Mohawk mean that I’m in a gang? Of course not! That’s offensive. But do I ritualistically sacrifice small animals, and humans with deformities in order to win a championship? Well…I’d rather talk about something else,” said Andersen.

“Listen, the deal with Lucifer was a pretty good one, but I forgot that he had a third year opt-out clause. I had no idea that he’d fail to deliver this time around,” said Andersen, “Which really sucks because I spent over $30,000 in reptile heads, and I have this hideous red star on my living room floor. Do you know how hard it is to celebrate Christmas with your parents and kids with these type of decorations? I had to lie to them. To this day they still think I’m co-starring in an upcoming Johnny Depp movie.”

Andersen continued, “I did feel like the weight of the world was off of my back when I told the Devil that I’m no longer dealing with evil spirits. But then he just laughed and told me ‘You have no idea…but you’re getting traded to the Clippers.’ “


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